Written by: Haley Provost
Change is hard sometimes. Although inevitable, it can be really hard. For some reason, the change of life seasons has hit hard recently for me. House change, job change…yes, definitely some “biggies” on the change scale. But the biggest one has been the realization that my kids are growing up.
I write this with tears welling up in my eyes and a big lump in my throat, trying so hard not to blink to prevent the cascade of tears down my cheeks. They are not tears of regret but rather bittersweet tears caused by an end to a season of life. An aching of missing what once was. The way your baby snuggles into your neck, as if God created that spot solely for a sweet little head to rest. Or the yearning to feel those precious kicks in my round belly just once more. I even miss those moments at 3 in the morning when the baby finally fell back to sleep and you’re just sitting in the stillness, beyond exhausted but soaking up the baby smells as they sleep safely in your arms.
It was definitely a big decision to “be done” having babies. Sure, no diapers or toddler tantrums sound great, but it truly is an odd feeling to say goodbye to that part of life, especially when you’ve been immersed in that stage for so long. The crazy stage of babies and toddlers and all that entails…goodness, I am tired thinking about it. But there is also a part of me that misses it. My daughter is almost 2 ½, and I will admit, life is getting “easier.” We have begun to lose some of the anxiety associated with going out to eat together as a family, we no longer dread road trips (imagine constant screaming for endless miles…), and we can even stay out past 8 pm on occasion. I look at my two big boys, now 8 and 6, and I can remember so vividly the day we brought each of them home from the hospital; they were so tiny, the car seat seemed to swallow them up! As I find myself getting frustrated and impatient at times with my sweet and sassy, wannabe independent in all things 2-year-old, I am hit with how swiftly this time will pass me by. I have recently found myself lingering an extra 10-15 minutes rocking her after she falls asleep, almost afraid she will wake up in the morning as a teenager! My boys are now (almost) too big for me to carry, they eat more pizza than I do, and they are beginning to not “need me” as much anymore. I will admit, it brings so much unexplainable joy to watch my kids grow into little people, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss those baby years some too.
I think God has been showing me that I can’t stop this change. He has also stirred an incredible excitement within me…an excitement to watch my children grow and become the people God made them to be. I am choosing to focus on this. I cannot wait to see what their futures hold, to watch them explore different interests and hobbies, to hear their little hearts pray for people they love each night as if they are talking to a friend. This. This is what makes me okay with closing the door on those baby days and embracing the change of new seasons. Of new adventures. Of relational friendships with my children.
…I just may need to hold and snuggle your newborn baby at times, okay?
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